Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
