I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
