I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
