yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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