Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
