Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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