You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
