Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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