Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
