I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
whose parrot is this?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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