Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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