The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old