I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit