You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!