she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
i need some magic done to my vagina
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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