so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Randomize
