I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
