i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
