you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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