My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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