btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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