I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
