Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
