i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
