i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
