I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
