i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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