Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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