it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
