I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
