I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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