Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
