Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
