so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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