i just sent this text using only my big toe
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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