So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
my poor anus
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
