dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
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He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
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Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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