Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I think your dad took our porno
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
