What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
