and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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