if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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