Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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