Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
