Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
