I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
