You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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