sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
