guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There's always time for handjobs
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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