your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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