he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
