She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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