i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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