remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
this just has baby written all over it
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
