Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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