If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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