one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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