She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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