No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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